In an effort to preserve the refined tones of British tennis, Wimbledon officials have announced that all player grunts will now be reviewed for proper English pronunciation.
“We’re not asking for Shakespeare,” said tournament etiquette chief Rupert Beaumont, “but some of these grunts are downright barbaric. We heard a French ‘UGH’ yesterday — it echoed off the Royal Box and spooked a duchess.”
Players must submit a pre-match grunt sample to be analysed by a panel of retired BBC voice coaches. Acceptable grunts must contain at least two distinguishable syllables and show no trace of American enthusiasm.
Mispronounced grunts will result in a warning, followed by a short lecture from Stephen Fry projected onto the big screen.
Officials declined to comment on rumours that sighs, gasps, and muttered swearing will be regulated next.